August 10, 2011

311 days - Rasa.

Ada rasa termengkelan di dada.
Tahu gak termengkelan itu apa?
Cari sendiri.

Tadi. Hari ini.
Terasa begitu.

Lalu, harus bagaimana lagi?
Ini jalan yang harus ditempuh.
Kalau mahu bicara soal rasa, sampai kapan juga takkan habis.

Ayuh, rasa !
Hentikan terasa !
Sudah biasa merasa. Terus, biasakan saja.
Kapan-kapan nanti, terasa itu akan menjadi tidak terasa.
Atau mungkin terasa, tapi sudah tidak mengapa.

August 4, 2011

317 days - He answered.

My first posting ended today. Officially ended. For the first time, I feel very comfortable and confidence with the path that I already walk through. Maybe for some of us, this posting is a nightmare but for me it was the best. Better. Alhamdulillah. He knows the best for me.

I was put under supervision of one of the consultant. And luckily, she is a very kind person. And I think she is the second person in this field (medicine) that inspire me (in my age of 23 years old, not many people really get that respect from me or even I could say; inspire me). And my consultant for the previous posting was Prof. Nur Azurah Abd. Ghani. And for the FIRST TIME, after what I’ve been through in this long journey of ‘tarbiyyah’, a person, A PERSON made me feel that it’s ok to be in that group of MINORITY. (Holding breath.)

………… (Still., the pain is still there.)

She praised me during the PPD assessment feedback session today. And it made me feel uncomfortable. And I told her, the reason why I could know and answer better than others because I’ve already been there. And she told me that, there is no need for me to feel that way. That, the compliment from her, I deserved it. And there was some more she said but i think it is better if I just keep it for myself. But you know, to hear that from a person that you respect a lot and inspire you, it meant a lot. And because of that, the whole ‘unavoidable pain’ that I endure alone from the beginning, become less. Reduce.

You know, in my sujud and du’a, I always ask Him, to make it less for me. I know it is difficult, painful and tiring. But please, for me, make it less. Less difficult, less pain, less tiring. And today, He answered me. There were times, where I ‘merajuk’ or maybe blame Him, and think that He will leave me unanswered for a longer time to test my patience. And now I know, actually He never leaves. I’m the one who was unaware that He was there. Always there.

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